


Never had to wait

by basicallyiwriteshit



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Cheating, Denial, F/M, Falling In Love, Falling Out of Love, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Other, Slow Burn, emotional cheating, look i love kiyotana but i had to
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-20
Updated: 2020-10-20
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:13:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27124325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/basicallyiwriteshit/pseuds/basicallyiwriteshit
Summary: "Shimizu Kiyoko is a beautiful woman. Anyone would be lucky to get to be near her, let alone marry her. Yet somehow Tanaka feels like the most unlucky man to exist."Tanaka doesn't know why his heart feels heavy with regret every time he's near his wife; all he knows is that even thinking about how lucky he is sends fear running through his veins. A surprising relief from that fear comes in Ennoshita Chikara's presence in his life.
Relationships: Ennoshita Chikara/Tanaka Ryuunosuke, Shimizu Kiyoko/Tanaka Ryuunosuke
Comments: 2
Kudos: 47





	Never had to wait

**Author's Note:**

> I'd just like to say: I do not condone cheating, emotional or physical. Tanaka is clearly emotionally cheating on Kiyoko throughout this fic, and it's implied that Kiyoko is physically cheating on Tanaka. I love that KiyoTana got to be canon and they're cute, but that won't stop my dumb mlm heart from creating shit like this.

Shimizu Kiyoko is a beautiful woman. Anyone would be lucky to get to be near her, let alone _marry_ her. Yet somehow Tanaka feels like the most unlucky man to exist. 

He knows he should be grateful. He _is_ grateful! Really! But the constant daily reminder that he is somehow married to such a beautiful woman can become overwhelming-- waking up at Kiyoko's side, wondering how he got so lucky, holding her hand in the street and seeing people stare at her...He’s constantly scared of losing her-- he’ll do anything for her, yes because he loves her but also because he’s scared she’ll leave him if he doesn’t. 

There are brief moments with her that he’s not as scared, like when she (finally) laughs at his jokes, or when she leans against his arm on a chilly night and melts into the jacket he offers her...She looks beautiful in his way-too-big jacket... Anyone would be lucky to marry her. He couldn’t imagine leaving her-- or, well. Maybe, rather, he’s just scared of what leaving her means. What it would entail. 

The thing is, Ryu...He's always uncomfortable around Kiyoko. He's uncomfortable around her, despite being married, because he's aware that she's way out of his league and could leave him whenever she wanted and be engaged in a week. He likes to think she wouldn't, but that uncertainty makes it hard to relax around her. He mentions it to Chikara once, when they’re working a late night building a plan for a mutual client of theirs. Shyly, embarrassed to even think about it, he says he lets it spill. And Chikara listens. Ryu feels vulnerable in a way he hasn’t since losing nationals back in high school. But Chikara has always been understanding, even if he’s always been stern with him, and he gives Ryu some firm advice: 

_“Do what makes you happy. Your happiness should come first, because those who really love you will be able to see when you’re not.”_

He’s right, of course-- Even though Ryu doesn’t want to admit it. He doesn’t want to admit that he isn’t happy with Kiyoko, because she’s all he’s ever fought for since his first year of high school; if he gave her up, what was all of that fighting for? Somewhere along the line, Ryu spends more late nights with Chikara. At first he uses work as an excuse, but then he runs out of clients they share and so he sits in Chikara’s office until Chikara runs out of work, and walks him home. Kiyoko tells Ryu he works too much, and Ryu always promises (lies) to her that he’ll try to come home earlier. Nights with Chikara are calming. The calmest he’s felt since getting together with Kiyoko. And with their work slowly overlapping from client review, they're spending more and more time together. Chikara is different. Ryu is always comfortable with Chikara; even when they argue, which is often, or when there's nothing left to talk about and so they sit in silence, something just tells Ryu that Chikara would stay by his side.It’s something he can’t say with confidence that his wife would. 

At some point things change between Ryu and Chikara. Ryu knows cheating is wrong. And he’s not a cheater, he’s not! But there are some nights when he and Chikara bust out a bottle of sake, eyes and hands lingering, teasing words dripping honey-sweet from dry lips, aching for something -- _anything_ \-- to push them together. Chikara’s almost-always-tired eyes look so self-confident when he works and Ryu, sitting across from him in his office, is hypnotized. Watching Kiyoko work seems like the most boring thing he could do. 

Ryu can feel Kiyoko distancing herself from him as the late nights continue, and he panics-- all of the nights he’d lamented to Chikara that he wishes he could just end it before she hurts him are quickly forgotten, and he stops coming over to Chikara’s office when he gets off of work. He goes home to Kiyoko, and treats his wife like a queen. Like he should have from the beginning, god he was so stupid to even think about leaving her--

Then the fight happens. 

Ryu can’t even remember what started it. Something about not wanting to go out to dinner with her parents the next day, or something. But he what he does remember is the heavy sigh she’d given him, and the way it sent his heart hammering. He’d instantly gotten defensive, even though he really didn’t think the hill he was on was worth dying for. Then there was the brundt of the passive-aggressive argument, in which Kiyoko kept her cool and Ryu probably over-reacted, and then she was packing a bag. She at least told him where she was going --Yachi’s house-- before the door to their apartment closed with a deafening click. 

A few hours after that, Ryu is still alone and the silence in the house is deafening. He thinks he might go crazy. 

He calls Chikara even though it’s nearing midnight by then, glad neither of them have work the next morning. Chikara, as he’d thought, is wide awake when he calls. He’s surprised to hear Ryu nearly in tears over the phone, talking about how he’d surely fucked up for the last time, and cuts him off before he can continue with a question: _“Do you need me to come over?”_

He really does, and he tells Chikara that. Chikara is there in ten minutes, and in a half an hour he and Ryuu are asleep curled together on the couch. 

Ryu and Kiyoko make up the next morning. and he and Chikara don’t mention the events of that night again until the next fight. And there are many-- some where Ryu is the one to leave the house to go to Chikara’s, or where Chikara goes to his place. The late nights in Chikara’s office pick up again when the fights become more often, the drinking and lingering touches resuming, and it’s not unwelcome. Ryu knows the end with Kiyoko is coming, he’s just scared about what happens next. Getting closer to Chikara isn’t scary, though. It’s the least scary part of the whole situation. 

Which is probably how he’s found himself in his current situation. 

On top of Chikara, leaning his weight heavily on the other-- this wasn't his intention, but he's quite drunk on bad whiskey and bravado. He'd gone in for a hug, or-- or something, he can't really remember. He'd tripped over his own feet and toppled over onto Chikara, effectively knocking them both onto the ground. Chikara cusses under his breath, telling Ryu to wait a minute so he could help him back up, but his attempts to shove Ryu up are futile; it seems like a fun idea to Ryu to try and make Chikara's life harder and poke fun at him for not being able to get up, but here he is more than a minute later and they’re still on the ground. He can't help but stare at Chikara's face, his eyes full of a familiar, comfortable fondness.

Chikara's face isn't beautiful. He's average at best, and quite boring looking, actually. Surely there's better looking people out there-- but lately whenever Ryu sees it, he's filled with love and adoration he hasn't felt in a while. It’s as though Chikara's presence alone is more beautiful than anything else around him. As always, Ryu is enamored by Chikara and how he makes him feel. Staring up at Chikara and thinking about how, as long as Chikara is there, he'll be happy is-- well, it's confusing. Or, it should be. But something in his drunken mind suddenly puts the puzzle pieces that he hadn’t been able to so sober together. It clicks in his brain almost as quickly as it takes to blink, and then the thought is there to _stay_ \-- packing up and moving in, rent free in his mind. 

His connection with Chikara feels like how he _should_ feel with Kiyoko. 

He feels love for Chikara that he doesn’t feel for Kiyoko. For his _wife_. 

Oh no. 

In hindsight, being shitfaced drunk and still technically married is _not_ a good time to realize you're in love with your friend and kiss them.

Like, at all. 

This Tanaka knows, and this he understands, and yet he still acts on the new information he’s discovered like a fucking idiot. Chikara’s amusement is clear on his face as he once again pushes at his shoulder. Ryu can’t hear him speak, or maybe he’s not paying attention, but Chikara’s words are muffled as he finally sits back on his knees. Chikara rolls out from under him and sits as well, leaning against the wall. He sighs and shakes his head with a smile; Ryu decides _fuck it, I’m already screwed,_ and lunges forward, connecting their lips. 

The kiss is messy. Ryu is drunk and he’s never been a good kisser, so their teeth clash and noses bump. Still, Ryu isn’t expecting Chikara to pull away, because he’s pretty sure his feelings are reciprocated, but he does-- and rather violently. His eyes are wide, his breath hitching, and Ryu frowns. 

“Chikara?” 

“I-- I think it’s best you go home, Ryu.” Chikara says, his voice wavering. “I- I’ll call you a cab.” 

Ryu is still quite drunk as they wait for the cab, and when he moves his vision blurs and sways. Chikara is there to make sure he’s alright but he doesn’t say anything. His arms are drawn close to his body, crossed over his chest like he’s trying to make himself smaller. He doesn’t look up at Ryu until he sees the cab pull up, and even then he doesn’t make eye contact with Ryu as he helps him into the vehicle. Ryu’s heart aches as he waves at Chikara and doesn’t get one in return. 

When he arrives home, Kiyoko isn’t there, and he goes to sleep in a cold bed. 

The next morning, Ryu awakens alone. When he remembers what he’d done the night before, he rushes to the bathroom with a sickening twisting in his stomach; he retches violently, emptying his stomach. Once he can’t throw up anymore, he melts to the floor, feeling empty. His body feels heavy as he adjusts himself to he’s at least somewhat comfortable on the floor. 

“Did I really fucking do that?” He thunks his head against the floor. “I really fucking did that..!” 

As much as he’d like to avoid it, he knows he can’t. So, with a grunt, Ryu pulls himself up; he flushes his puke and sets to brushing his teeth to get the taste of last night’s alcohol and this morning's sickness from his breath. He washes his face and makes his way towards the kitchen, starting the coffee pot even though he’s never liked the kind of coffee Kiyoko buys. The house is quiet as he makes himself some toast as the coffee pot whirs. It’s times like this that he finds himself lucky that he makes his own schedule and that he doesn’t need to see clients until later in the morning. Even still, he shows up to the gym early and sits in his office as he stares at Chikara’s number on his phone screen, waiting for clients to show up. He’d already called Chikara twice, but it went straight to voicemail. 

Which. Understandable. Even still, it’s terrifying and it _hurts_. Chikara’s been there for almost two years as his marriage fell apart, and Ryu just fucked it up overnight. 

He tries calling again when he knows Chikara is on his lunch break, and this time there’s an answer, the other’s voice hoarse as he speaks, “Hey.” 

“Hey,” Ryu says, “I-- Can we talk?” 

Chikara sucks in a breath, and Ryu can imagine the look on his face so easily. “I don’t know if that’s the best idea, Tanaka...” 

Ryu cringes. “I’m so sorry about last night, Chikara. I don’t know what came over me, I--” 

“I don’t want to hear it, please,” Chikara says. “I-- I don’t want to hear anything about you being drunk and regretting it, I get it, alright? I’d rather just not talk about it. Please.” 

“What if I said I don’t regret it?” 

Silence. Then, 

“What?” 

“What if I said I don’t regret it, Chikara?” 

There’s silence again. Longer than the first, and utterly terrifying to Ryu. 

“You don’t mean that.” Chikara says. “Look, I have to go. I-- Give me a couple of days, _please_. Then we’ll see if we can talk.” 

“Wait, I--” 

Then Chikara hangs up. 

Ryu knows his smile has dimmed when he returns to his client, but he can’t find it in himself to care. At least right now. When he returns home later that evening, he finds it quiet and cold; he can’t tell if it’s because Kiyoko stayed late at work, or if she’s staying the night at Yachi’s again, so he passes the time mindlessly scrolling through his phone until the front door finally opens and Kiyoko enters. 

As per usual, they apologize to one another and have a silent meal together before she showers and goes to bed. Ryu waits until he knows she’s asleep to do the same. 

The next few days are normal-- or, as normal as they can be without Chikara’s presence. Since everything started, Chikara had become such a staple person in his life that it’s hard not to pull out his phone and text him, to call as he leaves work, to meet up at a bar between their works. Instead, he goes home and tries not to pick a fight with Kiyoko. For the most part, it works, too. If he tries hard enough to keep the house clean and to keep quiet, and ignores the scent of someone else’s perfume on his wife, there’s nothing to fight about. 

He wants to reach out to Chikara after the couple days’ request he’d been given, but if he knows Chikara, he’ll need more time to think and so he waits until Chikara calls him. Which takes nearly a week, but Ryu answers eagerly despite that fact, and keeps his voice light as he’s invited over to Chikara’s apartment. When he hangs up, his heart feels heavy and his limbs weak. 

It’s almost 6 pm and Chikara had given him the option to meet the next morning, but he can’t wait and even though he was supposed to be watching a movie with Kiyoko, he needs to clear the air now. Kiyoko is disgruntled by the fact, but by now they’re both used to the other getting up and leaving that she doesn’t bother trying to get him to stay. 

The walk, though technically short, feels like forever. The ten minutes it takes to get to Chikara’s apartment drags on, and Ryu finds himself checking his surroundings often for a sign that he’s close. When he finally buzzes himself in with the code Chikara gave him when he first started coming over, he feels like he’s just crossed a finish line in the world’s longest marathon. 

The front door opens. Ryu smiles. Chikara’s face is neutral. “Hey.” 

“Hey.” 

Chikara lets Ryu in, and they silently make their way to the couch, where they sit facing each other. Ryu, for all he’d wanted to talk prior to actually being in the same room again, can’t find the words he wants to say. He stammers for a while, looking for them, but they aren’t there. 

“Chikara, look, I-- I didn’t-- yes I-- Chi-- ugh,” He buries his face in his hands, frustrated. “I’m...sorry.” 

“You should be.” 

“Not that it happened, but that it happened while we were drunk.” Ryu says, looking at Chikara through the cracks in his fingers. “I can be a total dumbass sometimes, and it just doesn’t sit right that I did such a thing without your consent, and I--” 

“It doesn’t ‘sit right’ with you? You know what shouldn’t sit right with you, Tanaka? Kissing me while you’re still married.” Chikara’s voice shakes as he interrupts, his entire body shaking with it. It only just occurs to Tanaka that the reason his face was so blank when he answered the door was because he was trying not to cry. “What you said on the phone, the other day, I-- I was willing to forget it, if you were just drunk and decided ‘hey, why not kiss my best friend? That should be fine!’ but that wasn’t what you were doing, and I-- Tanaka, you idiot!” 

A sharp punch to the shoulder jolts Ryu from his shock, and he blinks. “Chikara, I-- I really feel that way, though! I was pushing those feelings away before, but when I kissed you I meant it and I wanted you to know that. I lo--” 

“The next words out of your mouth better be about how much you love your wife, so help me--” 

“Chikara, I love you! I love you, okay?” 

Chikara’s mouth snaps shut, and Ryu sees the tears he’s been trying to hold back pool up in his eyes. It takes him a moment to build up his words, but when he does they’re filled with hurt and anger. 

“No you don’t. You love the idea of getting out of your loveless marriage and falling immediately into someone else’s arms. You don’t love me, you just want something to fall on when Kiyoko finally leaves you.” Chikara says, fiddling with the sleeve of his sweater. “I might’ve been willing to give this a try after you got divorced, but maybe it’s my fault for playing along and letting you stay over so much. I’m sorry for that.” 

Ryu’s brows furrow. “Sorry? No, you helped me realize--” 

“Exactly, Ryu! _I’m_ the one that let you stay at my house, _I’m_ the one that let you get drunk and confess your secret disdain for your wife, _I’m_ the one you fell in love with! And I couldn’t live with myself if I was the reason you got divorced, too. If you really want to cheat on her with someone else before divorcing her, I don’t want to be involved, I don’t want to be that someone else.” 

“But-- But you’re--” 

“You can’t even say that I’m not.” 

“It was only one kiss, and we were both drunk, Chikara!” 

“ _You know what I mean_.” Snaps Chikara, and. He’s right. Ryu just doesn’t want to admit it. He sighs, returning his head to his hands. 

“So what am I supposed to do?” 

“You need to figure that out yourself. I’m not playing any more of a part in you and Kiyoko’s relationship than I already have.” Chikara says. he sounds tired. Ryu wants to look at him, but he knows the look on his face will just hurt. 

“I’m sorry, Chikara. I really am.” 

“I know. Just...go back home to your wife. Please.” 

So he does. This time, the walk is brisk and ends before he knows it-- one second he’s crossing the street in front of Chikara’s apartment complex, the next he’s unlocking the front door to his own home. 

The apartment is silent as he enters, and when he calls out there’s no reply, which isn’t all that unusual these days but when he’d left the house a short half an hour ago Kiyoko was still there. He calls out again as he makes his way into the house, and again there’s no reply. When he enters the kitchen, there’s a note on the counter. 

_Ryu,_

_I wanted to tell you in person, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I can’t stay married to you any longer. I loved you when we first got married, but I’m afraid we’ve grown too far apart to even try and fix it. I will send you the paperwork soon, but I will not be coming back to the house. My name will be off of the lease starting next month. I wish you the best of luck,_

_Kiyoko <3 _

At first he laughs-- because this must be a joke, this can’t be serious, right? But when he goes to their bedroom, her bedside table is cleared off, her half of the closet is bare, even her toothbrush in the bathroom is gone. He’s alone. 

He’s truly, honestly alone. And the person he’d normally confide in just kicked him out. 

The terror sets in before the relief. Because with Kiyoko gone, Ryu is nobody again. He’d worked so hard to even catch her attention, and now it just feels like he’s in high school again, rejected by everyone he tries to approach. 

When the relief finally sets in, it takes him a moment to process it. It’s been a long time since he’s felt so free. The realization brings along another dose of terror, but he doesn’t let it take over again. He knows this is what’s best. For Kiyoko, and for him. 

Getting Chikara to believe that Kiyoko left on her own may be a whole process in and of itself, but Ryu is ready for that challenge. He’s done messing around and ruining his own life. 

**Author's Note:**

> Lmk how y'all liked it in the comments <3 I love reading people's reactions. 


End file.
